I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
