you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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