Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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