Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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