I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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