My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
