My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize