When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
