I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
