the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
