Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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