Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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