I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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