Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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