Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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