Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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