And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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