Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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