You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I deserve this hangover.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
