I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
