So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
