I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
