i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
someone owes me an orgasm
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
