I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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