My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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