the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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