Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
