well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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