he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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