the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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