my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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