1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
