fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This toilet bowl is my home.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
