That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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