Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i have two assholes
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
