I think I am morally bankrupt
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
