Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
