Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
