Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
