Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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