I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
