In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
