If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
