You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
