saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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