She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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