i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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