New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was confusing and full of hummus
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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