just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
