I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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