If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize