oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
