So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
