i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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