you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
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