The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
