Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The adults are the big ones right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
