Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
