Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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