I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
