NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
