I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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